Conversations With My Kids

July 9, 2022 by Jan Martin Borgersen

2022 December 7


F1(15): (on a school form)	I am a good team player, leader, and hard worker in everything that I do, inside and outside of school. I can also juggle while playing kazoo which boosts the troops' morale and gives the confidence to press on in dark times.


F1(15):	The real miracle is that Jesus was white, not that he didn't have a Dad.


F1(14):	Wait, our air conditioner really had a bad compressor?
Me:	Compressor motor, yes.
F1:	So just like the Millenium Falcon. Cool.


Me:	So what games are you playing now?
F2(12):	The good ones.
Me:	Like Backgammon?
F2:	What?
Me:	Boggle?
F2:	What the h*ll is a Boggle?
Me:	Candyland?
F2:	Do you mean Candy Crush? Are you just naming really old bad mobile games?


F1(14):	(collecting ingredients in the kitchen)
	If I learned anything from Gordon Ramsey it’s that cooking has to come from a place of hate.


F2(11):	My teacher asked if anyone knew how the Egyptians built the pyramids and I said "from the bottom up"


F2(11):	I’m closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos.


F1(13):	The windows have those fly-catcher-net things.
Me:	Screens?
F1:	Why are they called screens? They look nothing like the screen on my phone.


F2(10):	So my current goal is, once I reach 99 pounds, I'll eat 1 pound of nachos so that I can be 1% nachos.
Me:	How much do you weigh now?
F2:	(goes to weigh himself) I'm 90 pounds. Maybe I can eat 10 pounds of nachos and be 10% nachos?


F1(12):	This is just some dude complaining.
	(listening to Jesse's Girl on the radio)


Me:	What are you going to make?
F2(9):	A wolf
Me:	What are you making it out of?
F2:	Recycled items.
F2:	The only hard part is that it's hard to make a wolf out of recycled items.

[Driving F1 to a troop meeting]


F1(11):	There's a fly on the windscreen.
Me:	[finds and plays Fly on the Windscreen by Depeche Mode]
DM:	DEATH IS EVERYWHERE!!!!!
F1:	[laughs hysterically] That's a song?!?!?!
F1:	And the album is called "Black Celebration"???
Me:	I'm not sure this holds up as well as I remember it.
Me:	Let's switch from goth to country.
Me:	[finds The Bug by Mary Chapin-Carpenter]
MCC:	Sometimes you're the windshield ... sometimes you're the bug ...
F1:	Dad, just stop.


F2(8):	Daddy do you like the font I used? It's called Comic Sans.


F2(7):	Here's a riddle. A coin is flipped and a dice is rolled. What's the probability of rolling a 6 and then flipping a tails?
Me:	Oh I know probability. That's 1/6 and 1/2, then you multiply them together, so it's 1/12.
F2:	No, it's 0 because you flipped the coin first.
F2:	(smirking) Gosh Daddy you said you said you knew the answer but you lied.


Me:	What was your favorite thing today?
F2(5):	Being chased by girls!
Me:	What were you doing to be chased by girls?
F2:	Running away!


F2(5):	How can you be an adult if you haven't passed the teenage level?
M3:	ah, but I have passed the teenage level.
F2:	but you're only 14.
F1(7):	no, he's 24.

(F1 is still confused because his first grade teacher told him she was 29, but her kids are in their 30's.)


F2(5):	Daddy, if I don't pick my nose today and I don't pick my nose tomorrow, but I pick it the next day, I'll have even MORE buggers to eat!


Me:	You eat boogers?
F2(4):	Yeah!
Me:	Why? That's gross.
F2:	Well sometimes I like eating stuff that's green.


F1(5):	I wish I could wear a tshirt to bed.
Me:	No, you wear pajamas.
F1:	How come you get to wear a shirt to bed?
Me:	I'm the Dad. I make the rules.
F1:	No, you don't. Mommy makes the rules.

Yes, F1, if a tree had rocket boots then I'm sure it could carry a bird to outer space.


F1(5):	Mommy, what color is a frog? Say 'yellow'.
Sinead:	yellow.
F1:	No, it's green!